The gentle breeze rolled through the open window waking our young protagonist. He stretches and gets up to see a bullet fly past his face. He rolls and grabs his emergency pistol.
He slowly enters the next room and notices a message left for him.
"Dear _____, I'm glad I didn't kill you today maybe tomorrow will be better. Your friendly ghost Bob."
"What is this?" He hears erie 'boos' coming from a closet. He peers inside to find the ghost.
What are you doing here? Why can I see you? Why do you have legs? Wait a minute I know who you are!!
Ghost, "Umm you do?"
Yes of course!! you're the ghost who will show me the error of my ways!!
Umm no actually I'm here to show you what would happen if you were dead so... you wanna go?
Hmm well you don't look like you can fly? how will we get to that time?
Ghost pauses.... wimpily slaps ___ across the face and he dramatically passes out.
_________________________________________________________________________
Scene 2
Ugh *wakes up* where am I?
Ghost: you are in the future I think it hasn't happened yet so I can't tell if this is the future or not.
Oh god what did you do to me? I can't remember a thing! except you slapping me and then i passed out and woke up here! what did I miss?
Um nothing lets just look at the lives of your mom and brother.
Look in window, see them playing around and having a good time. Ghost looks bored.
Okay these guys are happy lets go...
Wait! I wanna watch them! their is no way they could have fun without me
Ghost bluntly: um dude they are laughing lets go we have a long walk ahead.
Why do we have to walk? can't we just go and like poof there? I've seen enough movies where they do that. Or what about flying? I've always wanted to do that!! *oblivious to ghost going behind him*
urgh! hits ___ in back oh head with small shovel. Fade to black
Fade in to opaque shot where ghost is seen carrying ____ hear him complain about how heavy ___ is.
A phone rings in the ghosts pocket. Immediately drops ____ on the ground luckily a pillow was there
Ghost remarks, what luck he fell onto a pillow.
Hears voice, You got the goods? Good. Then bring the package to me now we are ready to finish what we started. Hang up
The ghost looks up and can't find _____. He turns around and ducks just in time to avoid a wimpy punch. The two have a slap fight and up on the ground fighting nothing.
Who was the call from?
Umm can we go back to see your mom and brother?
Don't avoid my questions!!!
I'll answer if you can catch me!
the ghost runs and ___ chases shortly behind him.
____ finally catches up at the doorway of his family home and happens to step on the ghosts sheet and he trips and falls through the dark doorway and a surprise party is seen.
The 'ghost' gets up to reveal himself as the best friend of ____ and then he asks why there is a surprise party. He responds by saying didn't you look at your calendar after i shot at you?
Um no? flashback to calendar
Oh crap its my birthday!! what about the package you talked on the phone about?
Um you were the package duh. oh well uh i guess i should thank you. I have one final question though.
What is it?
How did I think you were a ghost?
END
I can't say I completely understand the idea you have here. I think you need to work on a number of things, particularly the plot and the protagonist. You need to develop the plot in its entirety and the protagonist's journey (where he is in the beginning, where he ends up). Finally, I think you need to review the format for a treatment. <3
ReplyDeleteFirst of al since this is a treatment, don’t put the scene number and you had to many spaces. It best to have small little paragraphs. The concept your dealing with is interesting, however it will consist of lots of work during the production. Also there was lots of dialogue however there was little description of what is going on (environment). You need to have a three structure plot and the exposition is very weak.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Tyrin. I was very confused at what you were trying to get at through this treatment. What type of genre is this? If it was supposed to be a comedy, I didn't find it funny. Remember what Bigue said about comedies, don't say its funny, be funny. Also, lots of dialogue. In turning this into an actual short film, I think that you would have to cast people that are funny, it's hard to do without professional actors.
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